Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance..... So I pushed her over

The Old Irish fisherman



The rain was pouring down



There standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.



A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?" "Fishing" replied the old man.



Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me.





In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking,





"So how many have you caught ?



"You're the eighth" says the old man

jabe wrote: . .............oh Al

That's what I was thinking too Neil

. .............oh Al

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon. The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours." So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub." Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours." Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's down at the soccer field." Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon. The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours." So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John died." Sam said, "I understand - heads are tough." The surgeon said, "Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!"

Thanks JohnF........

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach, Florida, to play golf and catch up with each other.

 

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.

"Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why Hooters?"

"They have those broads with the big racks, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."

"You're on."

 

At age 42, they meet and play golf again.

"Where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Again? Why?"

"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."

"OK."

 

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?"

"Hooters.

"Why?"

"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."

"OK."

 

At age 62 they meet again.

After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."

"Good choice"

 

At age 72 they meet again.

Once again, after a round of golf, one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."

"Great choice."

 

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"

"Hooters."

"Why?"

"Because we've never been there before."

"Okay.”

A husband and wife go to the grocery store. The husband picks up a case of beer that's on sale for 15 bucks. The wife says what are you doing we can't afford that, put the beer back. The next aisle over the wife picks up face cream for $30. The husband says what are you doing we can't afford that. The wife says but it's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful. The husband says so does 24 beers ....

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting “Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch”

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotized.

And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact".

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' Center. And, Claude was never invited back again.

A blonde is traveling to Toronto. As she sees the flight attendants closing the door, she notices an empty seat in First Class. She quickly sneaks up and take the empty seat. One of the flight attendants in the back of the plane watches her do it and proceeds up to the First Class seats and confronts the blonde.

She says, "Excuse me Miss, but you are going to have to return to your seat, you did not pay for First Class."

The Blonde responds, "I am blonde, beautiful!, I am going to Toronto and I am not giving up THIS seat!"

The flight attendant immediately headed to the cockpit to inform the pilot that a passenger refuses to take her proper seat. The pilot looks to the co-pilot and he immediately gets up to rectify the problem.

"Pardon me, Miss", the co-pilot said, "I am going to need you to move back to your assigned seat. We will not be taking off until you return>"

The blonde boldly responds, "I am blonde, beautiful, I am NOT going to give up this seat and I am going to Toronto!"

As the co-pilot recognized that this was not going to go well, he decided that it was best for the pilot to address the blonde directly, returning to the cockpit and telling the pilot that she refused to move.

"What did she say?" asked the pilot.

The co-pilot repeated her reply word for word and the captain smiled and said, "No worries, my wife is blonde and I know how to speak her language."

The pilot heads to the First Class area, leans in and whispers something into the blondes ear. She turns red in the face, jumps up and says, "OH! I am so sorry, I didn't even know, thank you so much!" and she returned to her assigned seat that she had paid for.

The co-pilot and flight attendant stood in shock, the pilot winked and headed back to the cockpit to prepare for take off. As the co-pilot settled in, he looked at the pilot and said;.."What the hell did you say to her?"

The pilot smiled and said, "I just explained to her that First Class wasn't going to Toronto!"

A truck driver was hauling a load of penguins. Suddenly, his truck stopped running. Luckily, a fellow with an empty truck stopped to help. They weren't able to get the truck running so the trucker asked him if he would take the penguins to the zoo. So, they loaded the penguins and off he went. The trucker stayed to try to fix his truck. After about a couple of hours, here comes the guy with the penguins in his truck. The trucker asked him " I thought I told you to bring them to the zoo". The guy answers "I did and we had a great time. We had some money left over so we were going to catch a movie".