A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me. But please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!”
Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Thanks John F, this morning i had a great laugh, gotta pass it along for ya.......

POOR ROB

The doctor said, “Rob, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles”

 

Rob was shocked and depressed.

He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 yrs.

But he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men’s clothing store and thought,

“That’s what I need....a new suit."

 

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said,  

“Let’s see....size 44 long.“

Rob laughed, that’s right, how did you Know?”

 

“Been in the business 60 years.” the tailor said.

 

Rob tried on the suit.....it fit perfectly.

 

Rob admired himself in the mirror.

The salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”

 

Rob thought for a moment and then said,

“Sure.”

 

The salesman eyed Rob and said,

“Let’s see.....34 sleeves and 16 1/2 neck."

 

Rob was surprised.

“That’s right, how did you know?”

 

Been in the business 60 yrs.”

Rob tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

 

Rob walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,

“How about some new underwear?”

 

Rob thought for a moment and said,

“Sure.”

 

The salesman said.

“Let’s see.....size 36.”

 

Rob laughed,

“Ah ha!     I got you.   

  I’ve worn a size 34 since before I was 18 yrs. old.”

 

The salesman shook his head.

“You can’t wear a size 34.

A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine

and give you one hell of a headache

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was.She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious....

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and
his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered,
“I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,we are just
roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just
to be sure." He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact
remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,
your son.

Several days later, he received an email from
his Mother which read:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…
Love,
Mom.

I picked up a hitchhiker. Once he got in the car, he said "wow, how can you be sure I'm not some kind of serial killer?" So, I told him that would be ironic for there to be two serial killers in the same car at the same time...

Not a joke but funny as hell.

Noooo!

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on.

Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol... ." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

You're such a rebel.