A guy walks into a bar in rural West Virginia. Being a “local” bar in a fairly, “remote” location, he draws quite a few looks from the regulars.


He sits down and orders a white wine.


The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”


The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada. I’m a taxidermist.”


The barkeep asks, “what in tarnation is a taxidermist? You drive a taxi?”


“No. I mount animals,” the guy explains.


The bartender grins and yells to his patrons, “It’s OK, boys – he’s one of us!”

What do you call a blonde at the institute of higher learning?....... A visitor.

What do you call 24 blondes?....... A case of emptys.

What do you call a fly flying around in a blondes head?

A space invader!

Sent to me by my wife. Not sure what that means...

A man walks into a bar waving a gun and yells out, "Which one of you is having sex with my wife?"

In the back of the bar, in a low voice a guy says "You don't have enough bullets"...

A certain blonde is broke, and comes up with a kidnapping scheme to solve her problem. She hangs out at the playground, sees her chance, and snatches a toddler. Writes a note,”Put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it by the slide tomorrow morning- signed, a blonde”. Then she pins the note to the kid’s shirt and sends him home.
The following morning she goes to the slide and finds a paper bag with $10,000 and a note: “ I can’t believe you’d treat another blonde like this!”

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma , Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"
There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.
In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying,"That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida . They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price..."

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had set their new wives straight on their domestic duties. The first man had married a woman from Italy and boasted that he had told his wife she was to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from France. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, all the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a delicious dinner on the. table. The third man had married an German girl. He boasted that he told her his house was to be cleaned, the dishes washed, the cooking done and the laundry washed. And this was all entirely her responsibility. He said the first day he didn't see anything and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down so he could see a little out of his left eye!

An RVer in a motorhome got hopelessly bogged down in an unexpected muddy hole along a dirt road. After a few minutes, a passing farmer drove by on his tractor and offered to pull him out for a mere $20.

After the motorhome was back on dry ground, the RVer said to the farmer, “At only $20, I bet you’re pulling vehicles out of this mud day and night.”

“Can’t,” replied the farmer. “At night I haul water for the hole.”