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Joke time! 22 Jun 2024 20:23 #129732

Subject: Life Reflections

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.

My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday. 

Someone just gave me half a peace sign. Weird.

Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear.

My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she's reloading.

When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape.

My wife and I started role-playing in the bedroom. Her favorite is The Sexy Librarian where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

Being old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go too.

I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I met my wife at a singles night. I was surprised because I thought she was home with the kids.

I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

And my favorite:
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
Keep on smiling through the rain

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Last edit: by WetWillie.

Joke time! 19 Jun 2024 11:05 #129674

Today is “Slap your most annoying coworker day”

If you don’t know who that is, I would call in sick.
"We love everybody, but we do as we please." Mungo Jerry
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Joke time! 15 Jun 2024 03:51 #129623

A travelling faith healer called at a small mid Western town, erected his marquee in a field and handed out flyers in the town square.

"Come to my meeting on Wednesday in the marquee. Bring your ailments and I will heal them with the power of my faith!"

That evening a motley crowd of locals turned up at his tent, more out of morbid interest than anything.

The faith healer began his spiel.

"Ladies and gentlemen, believers all, is there anybody here who has an affliction that needs healing? If so, please make your way forward."

Only two of the congregation made their way forward. The first was a man with no visible ailments.

"Sir, tell me now, what is your name and what ails you?"

"I'm B-b-bob. I've b-b-been a st-st-stutterer all m-my l-l-l-life. I c-cain't hardly t-t-talk."

"Bob, if you truly believe, I can banish that dreadful stammer for you. I'll just lay my hands upon your forehead ... here ... can you not feeling the enormous power of my faith?"

"Bob, please step behind this curtain, while I meet my next believer. I'll come back to you shortly."

The second man made his way to the front, hobbling along on crutches.

"Sir, what is your name and how can I help you?"

"I'm Jack. Ma legs hurt like hell and I cain't hardly walk."

"Well Jack, I can see that you need my help. With the power of my faith I can heal your lameness. I'll just lay my hands upon your forehead ... here ... can you not feeling the enormous power of my faith?"

"Now, Jack, kindly step behind the curtain..."

"Now ladies and gentlemen, I need you to repeat after me my mantra ... Through the Power of My Faith and the Laying on of Hands, Heal These Poor Men of Their Afflictions!"

The audience began repeating his words, quietly and haltingly at first, but gradually the chant gained momentum. After two minutes of chanting, the faith healer called for silence.

"Now for the moment of truth. Jack, throw your crutches over the curtain, for you need them no longer!" After a few seconds, Jack's crutches flew over the curtain and crashed to the floor. The congregation cheered wildly.

"Now, Bob, your stammer is cured and will no longer plague you! Speak to us in your new confident voice!"

There was a long delay, before Bob's voice was heard from behind the curtain.

"J-j-jack f-f-f-fell over.”
Keep on smiling through the rain
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Joke time! 14 Jun 2024 11:28 #129608

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Joke time! 06 Jun 2024 01:30 #129521

 
Vagabonding.

“The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Joke time! 03 Jun 2024 12:50 #129474

 
Vagabonding.

“The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Joke time! 02 Jun 2024 17:35 #129462

 
1955 Vagabond
1956 30hp Evinrude Lark
1959 MK 58A
1973 Glastron GT 150

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Joke time! 02 Jun 2024 13:28 #129454

 
Vagabonding.

“The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Joke time! 01 Jun 2024 14:27 #129442

 
Keep on smiling through the rain

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Joke time! 25 May 2024 04:17 #129358

 
Keep on smiling through the rain

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