i needed some of this the other day!

So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00..
A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion.

How are diapers like politicians...?

You need to change them often and they are usually full of shit.

Now that was really funny Al.

Surely I can't be the only one that can relate to this.
and, no, I'm not calling you surely.

A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.

But when he rounded them up he had 400.