TOPIC: Joke time!

What is wrong with women?

A few months back, I get into an unexpected conversation with a couple gentleman that, until that night, I had never met. I began explaining to them that my life's philosophy has always been, "It's not about how many times you fall down, it's about getting back up."

The one gentleman began to respond, "That's NOT how a Field Sobriety Test works!", as his partner reached for the cuffs.

The Blonde and the Cow:

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' !!!





(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

A good one from JOMS joke thread...

My Favorite Animal:

My teacher asked what my favourite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny; but she couldn't have been right, because everyone
else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my
favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member
of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.. Then he told me not to do
it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what *live* animal was my
favorite.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why; so I told her it was because
you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.

He laughed and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher
doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I
admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."


Guess where the hell I am now...

Thank-you again John F

Two Scottish Golfers




John , who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."


The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.


But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.


He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”


"Yes, I do." said Shawn.


"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"


"Well, um, yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."


"And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?"


Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I’m so very glad I came.

That may be a Sicilian boat collector message....

"Luca Brasi 'sleeps with the rivets' "

You might be a redneck if you have motors hanging from your trees in the front yard.

yup i am a gonner.........one way or another, but there will be a smile on my face.........
only thing keepin me alive, is i still eat a pound of dirt a yr.....amune system in check..

The old Doc tells nsul8r25 " I got Jabe's test results back, can I get you to break the news to him?
nsul8r25 says "Sure, what's going on?"
The Doc explains to him that Jabe has a rare and serious illness.They can treat it but he'll have to abstain from booze, smoking and sex for it to work and if he doesn't it will be terminal.
So Dave calls up Jabe and tells him the Doc had his test results and wanted him to tell him the news.
Jabe says, "Well what did the doc say?"











"He said yer gonna die."